Friendships

01/16/211

(Mostly ramblings, not much structure in this page, need to work on this)

Youth and the origins of friendships

Man, this is one that will throw you for a loop. Let me preface this quickly. In the last two years I have lost about three of my closest friends, one of which was my very best friend. Until this occurred, I put friends before anything or anyone else. After this everything changed. I will try not to be biased in my thoughts on this matter.

Growing up friends were all I had. My brothers and sisters were all out doing other things (I am the youngest) so at an early age I realized that friends were where I was going to focus on moving forward. I could not get enough of them. There were things to do with every one of them, some in groups, some one on one. When you're young, friends are the best.

As you get older things start to change. Friendships are easy until about 5th grade when popularity starts to rear its ugly head. Kids start to make decisions based not on the initial friendships but based on other factors like who hangs with who, who is good at what, who has rich families, so on. Then girls or boys get involved and this can play a serious role in the hard fact that humans are unreliable and unpredictable. For me, this was the first time I learned that friends can change.

How it all starts to fall apart

Money, the public eye and relationships shed amazing light on the underlying person that a friend might be. There are many other telltale signs, but these few have been the biggies in my experience. Do you know someone who is amazing as a friend behind closed doors but the opposite in public? Have a friend that has made or come into a large about of money or something of worth? Have you ever had a friend change everything to their core after getting into a relationship? If so, then you are seeing clear indicators about what these people are and how they will be for the rest of their lives. People don't change. They are born a certain way and in their youth they are able to mask their underlying core values and beliefs but as they grow old, so does their ability to be hide these thought and feelings.

Patterns

They say that people don't change, they just become the person they have always been. I think this is such a true point it is shocking. So shocking that I wish I had known it all my life. People don't change, we get older and start thinking about ourselves and all our previous openness and flexibility goes right out the third floor fucking window.

When you're young you have a gang of friends. As you get older that gang get to be a small crowd and are usually in cliques of people that are alike in some way. Gay, single, married, married with kids. These cliques have walls that cannot be jumped. Old friendships are foregone and new friendships are made on lesser core values than your older ones. We decide this is what we want and fuck everyone else. This is so different.

I have tried all my life to be a part of my friends lives that are in any of these groups, but it becomes almost impossible. If you're lucky, you will be in a relationship with your best friend and invite others to be a part of it. If you're unlucky, you will be in a relationship with someone so selfish that they control you and who you're friends with. I have found that people who end up in the latter put themselves there by choice so don't feel bad for them, tell them that they have made a decision that you cannot support and that they are selfish. Walk away and don't look back. You will not change them. The only thing that can happen here to get your friendship back is to wait and watch it all explode from a safe distance, because it will.

Simple Classifications of types of Friends

There are a few things to know about classifications of friends: A friend will almost always be one way with you and be totally opposite with others. This is all about your one-off relationship, people can be any of these classifications to you but different to others. One exception is that a user is almost always a user to everyone. Keep this in mind.

• No Gain, No Needs: These are the friends you had when you were or are a preteen. These are true friends that you do things with on both peoples' accounts. There is no drama about doing this for that or mine for yours. This is the, "lets go to a movie" type of friend. This is the "Let me help out when you need it and you can help me when you need it." I believe that these types of friendships basically disappear between the ages of 24 and 55 and are temporarily replaced with a spousal relationship of some kind. If you're able to keep these all your life then you have done a very good job at it AND have been very lucky.

• Users: We all have them and if your are one, you need to know it. These have close ties to fair weather friends but they stand apart in a lot of ways. These are the friends that need things from you. Whether it is fixing something for them, giving them a ride, buying them drinks, loaning them money, so on. It is always something other then, "Hello, how are you?"

The bottom line is that these people are crap and live in a way that is unacceptable to you. If you find that your friends only call you when they need something then something wrong has happened. Usually it is because you are a giver. All you know how to do is give. This is OK if you have a taker friend but if a friend is a user to you and everyone else then you have a case of '"Crap ass friend syndrome. You can do what you want but I would suggest not answering the phone and avoiding these people at all costs. You're not helping them by enabling them, you're hurting them. Let them fall to the bottom and pick themselves up. That is the only way a user will ever change. Goldiggers, drug addicts and emotionally handicapped people are typical types of users. Users only have one good trait: they will always tell you what they want from you.

If you're one, get your fucking head out of your ass. If you know a few, tell them to beat feet.

• Givers: Let me begin by admitting that I am a giver, to a flaw. Givers sound like good people and they usually are, but they have their flaws just like anyone else. To start, it is never an equal friendship. Givers will never let you do anything for them. Givers will never ask you for your help. To be a friend with a giver you basically have to do what you want for the person without permission. They will hate you for it but deep down love you for it. The hard part of a giver is that you basically need to have the intuition to know how you can help because they will never tell you what they need or want. Givers can be fucking annoying. If all they want to do is take care of you then they get on your nerves. If there is never anything you can do for them, then you get pissed. When you don't do shit for them because you think they don't want anything, they get pissed. How complicated.

My suggestion with these types is to pay attention. Recognize this personality and be smart about it. If someone is a giver in your life, then do things for them without their permission or input. Clearly they are giving to you so give back, don't wait to be asked for something. If you never do this then there is a good chance you're a user or a taker. Givers commonly get taken advantage of and it is their fault. Keep this in mind, you might want to police what you ask of them.

• Takers: Takers are the types of people that will not ask for your help but will always take it when offered and usually with little to no return. Takers think everyone else is an idiot because they are too nice and give too much to others. Takers are people that will never get jobs, never pay their own bills, never even try. They find it easier to just skate by having everyone else do the dirty work when they offer it.

I have seen this a lot with attractive men and women. They put themselves out there until they get what they want and then you don't hear from them until the next time they need something. If you find this is happening with you and someone, then you're being played. Wake up. Take a step back and realize you're being taken advantage of.

• Socially motivated: These are some of the worst people in the world. These types are almost always followers, never leaders, and are only interested in the clique or group you allow them to be a part of. Maybe you have a cool car, nice house, pool, TV, whatever. These types want to been seen or perceived in a certain way, and knowing you might lend itself to making this crazy requirement a reality. These people are users in their own right.

If you find you have a friendship of this type, then you're as much a dick as the person using you for your shit. Don't let this happen with anyone and don't be the cool guy with all the toys. All you'll do is attract these types of people and it will be your own fault.

• Fair Weather: These people are users and socially motivated. These are the ones who are friends with you when you're cool or popular but drop you when you're not. These are the people that might have lived a certain lifestyle and want to live in your spotlight while you have it. When that light goes dim, they will not be around.

This is a hard one to spot because usually you're in such a good spot when they are around that you don't notice them riding on your name. Usually you notice these types when you're in the bucket and they are not there to help you out. You will get out of that gutter at some point. When you, do they will come back-a-knocking. Tell them to go fuck themselves. You're better off without the dead weight moving forward. You have learned your lesson. If you let this happen again then you're a fucking idiot and should not be on my site.

The Bottom line

People don't change unless they decide in their core that they want and need to. Usually this happens when their world has crumbled and they realize that the person they were was not the person they want to be. Granted this is rare but it can happen. I learned at a young age that people don't change. My brother really liked drugs. No matter what my sisters or parents did we could not convince him that drugs were bad for him and for us. To this day, my brother is the same way and to this day it pains us all. Were we to have let him hit the floor then maybe he would have woken up one day in the gutter and realized that he needed to change. We didn't and he hasn't. Remember this when you have a friend that needs to change. Only they can do it. Nothing you do or say will convince them. If you're trying to change someone then you're a dick that is wasting time. Move on and find the right friends that need no input from you on they way they should be unless they ask for your help.