Kiddos

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01/14/2011

Disclaimer

This is a strange one for me. Let me start by saying that at the time of writing this I have no children (I think). Most of my friends do, I have two nieces and two nephews that might as well be my kids but are not. With this disclaimer, I want to make clear that I have a lot of experience with friends that have kids. I have helped them through hardships having to do with becoming parents. I am no expert but I have learned a lot, maybe you will too from the following.

Preface

When we are young, we are basically told that having kids is a bad thing. Or shall I say that it is frowned upon. Never did anyone tell me when I was growing up that having kids was OK after a certain age. With that I basically grew up in fear of being a dad, which is very different from the lives of our parents or grandparents.

Now that I am old, I have realized a bunch of shit about becoming a parent. First of all, when you're young, your kids are more likely to be healthy. You're also more able to have kids (women) and it is safer for you. As you get older, it gets harder and less and likely to happen. When I was young, I was never exposed to all that can go wrong with having kiddos.

Additionally, I stem from a couple that were told they were never going to have kids. These two go-getters went out and adopted two kids in two years when they were only weeks old. For this I am grateful to have my brother and sister in my life and could never envision my life as it stands without them. A few years later, by complete shock and surprise my mom was prego with my sister and finally, thanks to a faulty diaphragm, I was conceived. Please consider these factors when you read the following and get angry with my point of view. My parents tell people they have four mistakes, two are theirs and two are someone else's.

Illness/Disformation/Birth related factors

Genetics are a bitch. You have no control or access to a clue of what your about to get. Think about this when you're choosing your partner (I know I am sick). If you're lucky, you will get 10 toes and 10 fingers and modern medicine is amazing but it is always better to be informed then to be blindsided. You're not promised anything and you better know this. These factors can stress a person to their core and in some cases tear a perfect relationship apart (but then again, what won't? Don't jump, can't fall right?).

Reproducing is a gift not a fucking right

You see it in the movies, you read it in the magazines: Modern medicine can help, if not ensure you can have kids. Just because it can does not mean that it should. Consider this when you are having a hard time making it happen. Don't play God. Don't make a decision that is not yours to make. Take a step back and look at all the reasons why maybe you should not reproduce. Even if you can come up with a few, there are thousands that you will never even imagine. Know that if it is meant to be that it will be, and that if it is not happening now that maybe it will happen later.

You might disagree with me on this and that is fine. I only hope that you read this and consider it.

Pushing the big red button

If you are lucky enough to get preggers then there are a few things you should think about. One: Is this timing right? Is my life at the point where I can support an additional mouth to feed? Is my partner able to support an additional mouth to feed as well as potentially my own? Do I know the other player in this little ones life? Are they a capable person that I trust with part of me? Do they respect life the way I do? Do they value it the way I do? Do I value them? Do they value me?

Lets put a few things out there. First, I am not a women and because of this I am at an immediate disadvantage to even talk about abortion, adoption or committing to be a parent, but I will say this, many have come to me in confidence when they need clear minded input, unbiased input. I am honored for this and I do not intend to even hint at an opinion on this topic. Rather I am making an attempt to help guide or educate you when and if these decisions land in your lap. I am not religious, I believe in science, and do not mess with karma.

I read that when abortion was legalized, 15 years later the crime rate dropped by 70%. That is un-fucking real. Never before had I considered the social impact abortion has. With the good comes the bad, and out society is in a steady decline as we are not reproducing as much as we need to sustain (a conversation for a different day). Then there is the killing of a life aspect of it so on and so forth. With this I would like to dive in a bit: Life has become too valued a possession. 100 years ago, kids died so often it was fucking shocking. Old people were 65 and lucky to live so long. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED! We're born, we live, we die. Let us not judge life on numbers but rather what those lives do. If someone decides it is not the right time for them to have a child and decide to end it, let them. Do not judge them. They got themselves there, not you. They know the risks, they know that it hurts their chances of having kids in the future. Who said you have a fucking say? Sit the fuck down and shut up. Wait till you're in those shoes.

Stand by your partner or one night stander. Be a conscious fucking human. Consider the options, look at the timing, consider your ability to raise a good, well-provided-for child. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Don't be a guy who says, fuck that, abort! abort! Don't be the girl that says, I am keeping it and there is nothing you can say or do. Talk it out. You will come to a decision that you are both knowledgeable about. It is no one else's matter but yours and you're better off to have the talk, otherwise you will be dealing with anger and hate for the rest of your life. You might not come to an agreement and that is a fact of life but you'er better left listening to one another, you will remember the talk for the rest of your life.

Anyone who finds themselves in this position is an uneducated asshole if they don't approach a solution to this pickle with an open mind. As you will read later in this there are amazing pros and cons to being a parent.

The Unmarried, unrelationshipped couple

Got yourself into something with a friend you know well but have never really had a relationship with? Well, I would think that luck and karma have played a part here and that you should consider it. Maybe you can have a good relationship, maybe you can't. Maybe you can have a strong team raise one hell of a human. These are all possible and should be considered. You're lucky.

The Relationshipped couple

You have been together for a long enough time for you to know if it will work or not. I would hope that you read my relationships page. It will tell you about people and their traits. You make the call, be a good judge, and consider your partners' abilities as relationships are a fucking walk in the park compared to having kids rely on you.

The Perfect Little Family

Married to the one of your dream? Married to the right person for you? You're lucky, you're strong, you're unselfish. There are ups and downs of it all. Give it a shot and don't play God. What will be will be. Ever see Juno? That couple was a prime example of what not to be in my mind.

Risks

Kids put a huge burden on a relationship. Sometimes they get stronger. Sometimes they are weakened. To be a parent you have to put others in front of yourself, consider others without even thinking of yourself. Are you ready? I have yet to be.

Families are constantly falling apart because of one the spouses decides to make the kids number one on the list. Setting aside a job, a partner, projects, personal drive. Personally I am so attracted to someone's drive to accomplish that I can't even consider a relationship with kids working if they intend to put the kids before their passions for me for that matter. Kids are kids, yes they are important but they are flexible and need to see passion and drive, not complacency. Dad works, mom raises the kids? Yes but no. How about dad works, has passion. Mom raises the kids, has passion. Mom and dad work to allow one another to pursue their passions while also raising kids? Is this so hard a fucking concept to fathom? Think outside of the box. Yes, it is fucking hard to go to work and support a home and a family. Yes it is fucking hard to stay at home with punk ass kids driving you fucking crazy, never giving you a break. Yes it is hard to not have animosity with you and you spouse at the end of the day, but try to team up. Make a plan. Dad does his thing these nights, mom has her nights. I am not talking about the out drinking with the buddies thing or the out shopping with the girls thing. I am talking about doing something for your soul. Craft? Business? Job? Whatever? In this day and age, women and men are equal and I love it. Do something with it people. Kids will grow up either way. Make sure they are loved whenever able. Show them that doing something that is driven by your heart and soul is more valuable then just being there everyday. This I promise.

Overprotection is a very very bad thing

Today, parents would rather a kid stay home and play video games then go out and play with friends. What the fuck is that all about? Trying to protect them from the world and its bad elements? So tell me then, when you get hit by a bus, have a car accident or God forbid die of old age, what then for these kids? They will have grown up thinking you will always be there to protect them, to care for them, to do all that they need. And this is a good thing? Man I must be missing something.

It is directly comparable to the immune system or chapped lips for that matter: You get sick, your immune system fights the sickness, LEARNS what was the problem and does not let it happen again. Get sick again, same thing happens. Evolution. You run off to Walgreens or CVS, get meds to fight it for you, guess what, your immune system just learned to be lazy and will not prevent you from getting that very same bug again (oh, and did I mention that the pharm companies are trying to subdue this amazing fact so you buy more meds? holy fucked!). Your lips are chapped, you let them be. They get better, over time. You run out and get chapstick, apply, and feel better in about a minute. Guess what buddy, your lips are still chapped under that shit.

Let these kids see the world. They might get hurt, they might die even but look at what it took to get here in the first place, it was lucky they made it and it will be lucky if they live to die old but I an assure you, they will have a big empty spot in their soul if they were prevented from living, protected from the world, raise in a fucking box. Man this shit pisses me off to my core. Makes me mad to even think about. Next thing we will have a zombie society on our hands, unable to think or breath without input or permission.

Inspire creativity

If you're lucky enough to avoid the category listed above, then you have the chance to create something truly amazing. Free will and creativity. Sounds good, eh? Raising your kids is about educating them to be amazing and to teach them what you think they should avoid. Today people just want them to avoid everything, don't look ever there!

Educating a kid can do things that even you could never imagine. Putting them in a box will kill the very core of being a human. Support them in anything they have interest (to a certain extent). Guide them with thoughts or ideas, but not opinions. Who are you to tell them at an early age the way you see things, keep that shit out of it. Let them think for themselves. I think a good parent is one that has opinions and states them as such to their kids and clearly defines the difference between an opinion and a fact. Just because you're a parent that does not give you the right to fill your kids head with your ideas. They are your kid, if you're smart, they should be too. If you figured a bunch of interesting things out, teach them as fact, fiction of otherwise. Let them draw their own conclusions.

The Bottom line

The bottom line is that everything is chance and in my mind, fate is chance. Planned events are dangerous. They are too structured and manicured. Live a little. If you are meant to be married you will be. If you're meant to have kids, you will. Timing is everything and you're body knows this even when your mind does not. Loosen up. Let the control slide a bit. (This is me being hypercritical, as I have never been able to do this but I have suggested it and seen it work).

Ohh, and don't be a dick, they will remember it and be one too.